The Fart List
THE ANTICIPATED FART:
This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before
it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who
later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has farted
an Anticipated Fart.
THE BACK SEAT FART:
This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified
chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed by
traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But
its foul odor will give it away, due to the way air moves around
in a car. It is often followed by someone saying, "Who farted
in the back seat?"
THE BARN OWL FART:
A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this fart.
Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can
hear one of these birds talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy
laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has
about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and
it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barn Owl Fart.
THE BULLET FART:
Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its
sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to
have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike.
Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods,
such as beans.
THE COMMAND FART:
This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it can be
held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike
the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold Tabor
recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history class
and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there
were any questions.
THE COMMON FART:
This fart needs little description. It is to the world of farts
what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no
point in describing this far any further.
THE CUSHIONED FART:
A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter is usually
on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their
butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair
and ease-out a fart very carefully without moving then or for
some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common
with some people.
THE DUD FART:
The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that fails.
For this reason it is strictly a group one identification fart,
because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody
else expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all
farts. In most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.
THE ECHO FART:
This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not some
great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon.
The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a
two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the
second tone. Like an echo.
THE G AND L FART:
This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts, known
to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not
already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the
most embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.
THE GHOST FART:
A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified
by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You
enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist
that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is
just something that happens to smell like a fart.
THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART:
This is strictly an old lady's fart. What happens is that the
person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and fart all at the same time.
After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will usually
pat her chest and say, "My, my", or "Well, well". There is no
reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an
old person's fart as there is.
THE JERK FART:
The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and
points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted,
off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful,
but the jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart
in the World Fart.
THE JOHN FART:
The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john.
It is naturally a group one identification, with the sound, whatever
it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the
john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.
THE LEAD FART:
The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon.
Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that goes
thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could
be missed altogether as a fart. What was that, you might think?
And never guess.
THE MALTED MILK BALL FART:
Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this fart.
It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works
this way. It is rare.
THE OH MY GOD FART:
This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all farts - a
fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg - as the Oh My God
Fart. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first
want to say, oh sh*t, which would be understandable.
THE OMEN FART:
This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the only
difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just
look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to
spot if you pay attention.
THE ORGANIC FART:
Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person who farts
an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats
even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may
even ask if you noticed how good and pure and healthy his fart
smells. It may smell to you like any other fart, but there is
no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.
THE QUIVER FART:
A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it quivers.
If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to scratch
it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.
THE RAMBLING PHADUKA FART:
You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is
one of the most frightening of all farts. It is frightening to
farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What
is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the
longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter
unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of
him. A strong, loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen
THE RELIEF FART:
Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous
sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people will
even say, "Wow, what a relief". Very common.
THE RELUCTANT FART:
This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man. The Reluctant
Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It gives
the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come
when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some
THE RUSTY GATE FART:
The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a fart. Is
is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty Gate
Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had
been oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.
THE S.B.D. FART: S.B.D.
stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most
common farts that exists. No problem of identification with this
THE SANDPAPER FART:
This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should
remember that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically
becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common.
THE SKILLSAW FART:
A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really shakes him
up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping
through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too
THE SONIC BOOM FART:
The people who believe in this fart claim it is even bigger than
the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is supposed
to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous.
No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart
that could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his
crazy head off.
THE SPLATTER FART:
Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the wettest of all
farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all.
THE STUTTER FART:
If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny fart. It
is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is best described
as pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out
far that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets farted
after considerable effort.
THE TACO BELL FART:
The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary
Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even
a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too,
even on a windy day.
THE TEFLON FART:
Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good fart
in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can
be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind
is right he will never know.
THE THANK GOD I'M ALONE FART:
Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look around after you have
farted and say, "Thank God I'm alone." Then you get out of there
THE TICKLE FART:
A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a
slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the
fart for you!