. . . RING
"Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please
press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask
someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities,
please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we
know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line
so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully,
and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't
matter which number you press. No one will answer.
Thanks for calling."