The
5 Levels Of Drinking
LEVEL
1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers. Just as you get
up to leave because you have work the next day, one of your friends
buys another round. One of your *unemployed* friends. Here at level
one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, as long as
I get seven hours of sleep, I'll be fine."
LEVEL
2: It's midnight. You've had a few more beers. You've just
spent 20 minutes arguing against the use of artificial turf. You
get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears
on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my
friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times!
Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep...I'm cool."
LEVEL
3: One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila.
You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR the use of artificial turf.
And now you're thinking, "Our waitress is the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen!" At level three, you love the world. On the way
to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the
bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies (like,
"Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever.
We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.") But at level three, that
devil is a little bit bigger...and he's buying. And you're thinking
"Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep...and
a complete change of blood, I'm cool."
LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the
devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum
and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the
bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because
you don't like his face! And now you're thinking, "Our busboy is
the best looking man I've ever seen." You and your friends decide
to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an
after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to
yourself, "Well...as long as I'm only going to get a few hours sleep
anyway, I may as well....STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!!! Yeah! That'd be good
for me. I don't mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith
Richards. Yeah, I'll turn that around, make it work for me. And
besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow, I'm cool.
LEVEL 5: Five in the morning. after
unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor
("But I don't even know anybody named Simon!!!"), you and your friends
wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in
prison as recently as...that morning. It's the kind of place where
even the devil is going, "Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell
at nine." At this point, you're all drinking some kind of thick
blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with
fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, "Someday I'm
gonna marry that girl!!" One of your friends stands up and screams,
"WE'RE DRIVIN' TO VEGAS, BABY!!!!!" - and passes out. You crawl
outside for air, and then you hit the worst part of level five -
the sun. You weren't expecting that were you? You never do. You
walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to
work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say,"Who's
Simon?" Let's be honest, if you're 19 and you stay up all night,
it's like a victory like you've beat the night, but if you're over
30, then that sun is like God's flashlight. We all say the same
prayer then, "I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as
long as I live!" And some of us have that little addition, "and
this time, I mean it!"
